Shortly after the girls left I started organizing a few more areas that I haven't gotten to this summer: the pantry, laundry room, and kitchen. I now have sparkly cabinets! I hauled 3 bags to the dumpster and have one HUGE bag to go to Goodwill. The worst part was the Tupperware. My friend Catherine fussed at me for using the word. Really it was storage containers. My bad.
What a mess. It took up 3 cabinets in my micro-kitchen. Now it's in just one. After I got started I just couldn't seem to stop. It was one drawer after another. Laundry got washed. The bathrooms got reorganized. It's like I'm possessed. I even vacuumed the back of my dryer in an homage to my friend Cassie. I vacuumed the couches. I now have the secretary in the hall, my main closet in my bedroom, the top of the trio's closet, the bottom drawer of my file cabinet,and the hallway upstairs to organize and then I am done. Finished. Just in time for school to start for all of us.
My house has mirrored the way my brain has been for the last year. Cluttered and unorganized. (Refer back to the
One thing I've noticed about myself here lately, as I was organizing, is that for all the information I put out here that I share with everyone, I'm really a very guarded person with my personal life. I had a nice cup of tea with a friend who talked about her dating life. I was envious in that she has such a glamorous life and goes on lots of dates. I can't picture myself sharing anything with another person. I've done a great job in putting a wall up when it comes to dating. If I keep that wall closely guarded then I won't get hurt.
And I won't need help from anyone.
I'm not talking financial help (because it would be nice to have someone else handle the damn bills). I'm talking any kind of help in what I do day to day. I've noticed that I've done a lot to help my friends this summer. I've been all over this town cleaning houses, doing yard work, running errands for others. Yet I don't ask for anyone to do that here. I don't want to become dependent of any kind of help. Even when Brigid had her Chiari surgery I had a hard time accepting the help.
In my head, I've got this. I can handle it.
My neighbor next door is a nice enough guy. He is constantly trying to help me carry things to the dumpster or to my front door. I don't want the help. He has some social issues that I don't want to deal with or have my daughters around. Yet when he was asking me out, all I could think was "Shit. I don't want anyone doing anything for me." Because let's face it. If I get too close to someone, really close, they will either disappoint me or die.
Kinda morbid isn't it??
That's what happens when you loose your parents and sister. I don't EVER want to go back to the point that I am dependent on someone else. EVER. That may explain why it's been over 4 years since I've even attempted to get close to someone. It ain't easy guarding the damn wall but at least I know it's up, it's there, and it's not getting penetrated easily.
So where does this leave me? I'm not sure. I'm working hard to put the girls and I in a position where the financial things won't be an issue. I'm excited because I know that after I'm done with school, I can do whatever I want, work as hard as I can, and build a better life for us. I have a goal for the financial part of my life. It's also a goal for the creative part of my life. I know what I want to do with the Mom part of my life.
I just don't have any idea what to do with the Kristina part of my life.